My Desperate Cry
by KrystalBlaze - Jerikor
Summary: Obi-Wan has just come back from a trying first solo mission. He was tortured, and now Qui-Gon must help save him before he falls into the cave of darkness that has been lurking in Obi-Wan's mind since he returned. *Songfic to Creed's 'Weathered'*


It's a songfic, so be prepared. I threw it together in an hour, so agh! Anyhow, I hope you like it. The song " Weathered" belongs to Creed (you must buy the CD! It is excellent! ) 

//=song lyrics

~Blazer~

My Desperate Cry

Obi-Wan whimpered wrapped his arms around himself and rocked gently, trying to fight back the tears that were blurring his eyes. He tried to stop the soft whimpers that were escaping past his lips, but they kept sliding out, over and over. 

"I can't stop," he whispered. "It's not my fault." He ground his teeth against each other and the whimpers ran to soft mutters. The darkness swallowed him, strangled and choked him. He could feel it at the back of his mind, as surely as he had felt and saw the blows as they had come. 

"Obi-Wan?" The voice broke through the darkness, and he curled tighter into a ball, his knuckles white. He felt the Force swirl around him and wrap around his mind. It was gentle and he felt a sleep push knock him into sleep.

// I lie awake on a long, dark night

I can't seem to tame my mind

Slings and arrows are killing me inside

Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine

No, I can't accept the life that is mine//

Qui-Gon frowned as he looked down at his Padawan. The boy was curled up in a corner, his face tight, even as he lay sleeping. Qui-Gon tried to push back his worry, but it ate and gnawed at his insides. He bent down to Obi-Wan, who was asleep, thanks to his Force suggestion. 

It had been three weeks since Obi-Wan had returned from his first solo mission on a planet called Jious. He had been injured, tortured, and ransomed. It had been Qui-Gon who had rescued Obi-Wan from the dirty and ratty prison, and the sight of his twenty-two year old Padawan curled up, his right leg broken and wrenched under him and his right eye blind still hung in Qui-Gon's mind at night,

Obi-Wan had been released from the infirmary only a week ago, and his right eye was still blind, and he still needed crutches to walk. Qui-Gon ran a hand through Obi-Wan's hair, sighing. The sight of his Padawan, who hardly ever cried, left him weary and rocked. 

He bent down and picked Obi-Wan up, grunting. He sorely remembered when he could carry the boy easily and with ease. He staggered over to Obi-Wan's room and set him down on the bed. He flopped down next to Obi-Wan, sighing and breathing hard. Obi-Wan whimpered in his sleep and turned over restlessly.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon whispered. "What is wrong?"

~*~*~*~

Obi-Wan awoke to a pain in his right leg. He clutched it, his fingers trying to ease the pain. It was always worst at night. He sucked in a deep breath and felt his ribs cry out. He had been tortured when Lord Tangar ( who was breaking the Galactic Law anyway when he kidnapped his neighboring planet ruler's son) had learned Obi-Wan had taken the boy and returned him to his rightful place. He had sustained three busted ribs, numerous cuts and bruises, a broken leg, a concussion, and because of it had been blinded in his right eye because of it. 

He felt sick to his stomach whenever he thought of it. He wanted to scream his rage to the sky and choke himself. He had been so stupid. He hated himself. He had been doing his job and it had backfired. He had been dispatched to settle the dispute between two planets and he had merely done what was right and had paid for it. It was not a good way to end a solo mission, especially because he had needed his Master to come and save him. 

He felt ashamed. Qui-Gon deserved a better Padawan than one who ruined every mission that came along. He let out his breath and tried to release his anger to the Force, but it wouldn't work. He didn't hate Tangar. He hated himself for being such a disgrace and for being so stupid. 

He felt so tired and weak. He had allowed himself to be captured, allowed himself to be tortured. He should have fought harder. Qui-Gon would have. He winced. He could almost feel Tangar's blows again and again. He started to shake, remembering his hands cuffed to the walls, his torso bare, something metal crashing into him again and again. He started to sweat, remembering blow after blow after blow. 

He cried out as the invisible blows came again and again, and each body part screamed as he started to thrash in his bed, the pain coming as the whole thing replayed in his mind over and over. 

He closed his eyes, but the images shot through his mind, making him cry out and causing him to let out a small scream before the invisible hand clamped over his mouth, muffling the scream. He tried to bit, but the hand backed off, then he felt a slap hit his cheek. He collapsed to the ground, his head bouncing. The cuffs were undone, and he sprawled out on the ground, his hands clawing the pebbled floor. Then the metal hit his back, and he cried out as blackness blanketed over him. 

// Simple living in my desperate cry

Been trading love with indifference yeah it suits me just fine

I try to hold on, but I'm callused to the bone

Maybe that's why I feel alone

Maybe that's why I feel so alone//

Qui-Gon burst into Obi-Wan's room. His eyes were greeted to Obi-Wan lying on the floor, tears running down his cheeks, hands clutching his hair and pulling. Qui-Gon's heart broke, and he remembered the thirteen-year-old boy that he had always been able to comfort. Now Qui-Gon couldn't help his apprentice. Obi-Wan was old enough to face his demons alone, but Qui-Gon couldn't sit here and watch his Padawan in so much agony. Qui-Gon had never been through a torture, but if it bothered his Padawan this badly, than it was worth listening to. 

Qui-Gon sat next to Obi-Wan and sent reassuring waves in the Force. Obi-Wan's breath quickened and his eyes opened a bit. His left eyes found Qui-Gon's and he saw the embarrassment in them. "I'm sorry," he whispered in a voice filled with pain. " I didn't mean to disturb you."

"No, Obi-Wan, it's all right. Are you all right?" Qui-Gon touched Obi-Wan's shoulder and instantly the young man pulled away. Obi-Wan seemed to realize what he had done and looked to the older Jedi. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I just…it's hurts to…I keep remembering…"

"No, Obi-Wan, it's okay. It's fine. I understand."

Something like anger flashed in Obi-Wan's eyes. "No, you don't." He uncurled and leaned against the bed, one knee pulled up to him, the other one lying out in front. "You can't. I'm sorry," he added.

"Do you want to talk?"

Obi-Wan hesitated. "No."

Qui-Gon had seen his Padawan suffer for the past three weeks, and he couldn't stand it any longer not to know the thoughts that were running around in Obi-Wan's head. "Obi-Wan, please. You need to talk this out. I can feel the slightest bit of anger from you. I know that you hate Tangar, but you mustn't. No matter what he did."

Obi-Wan hid his gaze. "No, Master. I don't hate him. " He looked away at a far wall. " I don't hate him. A Jedi is not to hate."

"Anger leads to hate. Don't lie to me about your anger," Qui-Gon with a small warning in his voice. "Please. I am your Master and you can tell me anything. I will not hold anything against you for what you say. It is understandable." 

Obi-Wan let out a sigh. " I can't. "

"Why not, Obi-Wan?"

Obi-Wan looked at him with haunted eyes. "Be cause you wouldn't understand, because you haven't been through what I have been through and you never will be. I am sorry, Master, but you wouldn't."

"I need to understand your anger. I may not be able to understand anything else, but your anger I need and I will be able to understand. Anger leads to the dark side, Obi-Wan, you know that. I don't want to lose another apprentice, Padawan."

"I am _not _angry at Tangar, Master!" Obi-Wan stood up, and hobbled to the door. He paused at the door. Obi-Wan looked at Qui-Gon, who had not moved. "I hate myself," he whispered, taking his crutches and leaving their apartments.

//Me…I'm rusted and weathered

Barely holding together

I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal//

Obi-Wan hobbled out into the darkened corridor. What had he just done? He must be insane! Had to be! Walking out on his Master like that! He slowed down as he reached the turbolift. _Wait a second._ He pressed the button for the turbolift. _I am old enough to do that. I am old enough to make my own decisions. I am no longer a child. _He stepped into the turbolift. Still, he had been disrespectful. He would apologize later, but he had to get away from Qui-Gon's questions, even if his Master had only been trying to help him. He winced as the turbolift came to a jerky stop and gave a moan.

This was against Temple rules, but at the moment he could care less. He just knew that he had to get away from it, had to be alone to confront that images that were holding him captive. Tangar still held that metal in his mind, hitting and attacking him. 

No matter what he did Tangar was still there. 

Laughing at him.

Jeering at him. 

Killing him on the inside.

Making him wish he were dead.

//The sun shines and I can't avoid the light

I think I'm holding onto life too tight

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust

Sometimes I feel like giving up

Sometimes I feel like giving up//

Qui-Gon let Obi-Wan go. The boy was a young man, and he was old enough to handle things on his own, but it bugged him, and it hurt him that Obi-Wan didn't trust him enough to know that no matter what he was told, he wouldn't judge or criticize him, but help in what ever way possible.

Obi-Wan was angry and it surprised him that the young man would blame himself for what had happened. _Think of Obi-Wan's nature. Of course he would. Of course he would blame himself for doing his job. And you thought that you knew him._

He bitterly wished that Obi-Wan would talk to him and let him help. He sighed and knew that it was up to Obi-Wan now.

//Me…I'm rusted and weathered

Barely holding together

I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal//

Obi-Wan made his way to his room slowly. He needed to talk to Qui-Gon. He wanted to scream. Tangar kept yelling at him, slapping him and hitting him and he could do nothing to stop it. He needed help, and he started to lag as he neared his room. 

Qui-Gon threw the door open as Obi-Wan fell into his arms. "I'm sorry…" he muttered as Qui-Gon dragged the man to his bed. "I have to get help…I have to tell you…"

"What, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked softly. He felt pride rise inside him. He knew that Obi-Wan would come to his senses. He found a cloth and wet it, then laid it on Obi-Wan's forehead. 

"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan said again. "But I have to tell….he's there, Master. Always, and he won't leave…he's there, he's hurting me! I can't stop him! I can't…and it hurts so badly…I am so stupid! Why…I should have been more alert! The Force was yelling at me….and now I have to suffer because of it…" Obi-Wan began to squirm on the bed, trying to get away from the invisible claw that was trying to tear at him. 

"Obi-Wan, stop," Qui-Gon said. "I'm here, Obi-Wan. I'm here. Calm down. Find you center and relax." 

Obi-Wan breathed. "O..okay. Okay. I…he's still there."

Qui-Gon bit his lip. "Obi-Wan you need help. I can't help with your demons and I don't think you can deal with them by yourself. You need help."

"Obi-Wan tensed. "No, Master…I don't hate Tangar, I hate myself…I don't hate…"

"Obi-Wan, it is not my place to tell you what to think, but listen to me. You did what you did and we can't change it. You need to realize that we make choices and all choices have consequences. They all carry a burden, they all carry weight and we have to deal with them. Life is not wrong and it is not right, and everything has a purpose. This one has one, no matter what you think, and it may be hidden, but it will be there. Now, it is your choice wither to run from your choice or face it. These consequences have hurt and battered you, but from spending nine years as your Master, I know that you will bounce from this, Obi-Wan, but first need to realize that none of this is your fault."

Obi-Wan closed his eyes. "Yes, Master."

"And you need to tell me what you feel. And I am going to take you to a Mind Healer. Those images will never go away and you need help to deal with them. Help that I cannot provide." 

Obi-Wan took a deep breath and released it. He could feel Qui-Gon urging him, helping to push aside the demons for now. He could still see the crazed look in Tangar's eyes as he beat on Obi-Wan. He could still feel the pain. 

But he couldn't feel the anger and that shame that had hit him over and over again. And for that he looked at Qui-Gon with gratefulness in his eyes. 

"I understand, Master."

//The day reminds me of you

The night hides your truth

The earth is a voice

Speaking to you

Take all this pride

And leave it behind

Because one day it ends

One day we die

Believe what you will

That is your right

But I choose to win

I choose to fight

To fight//

Yoda smiled at Obi-Wan as he stood before the Council a week later. Qui-Gon stood at his side, looking proud. 

"Passed your mission, you did, Obi-Wan."

//Me…I'm rusted and weathered

Barely holding together

I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal//


End file.
